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Thursday, August 11, 2005
Sometimes, Even A Curmudgeon’s Strength Is Not Enough
The flesh is weak, true, but one expects that, with experience and age, the lure of certain temptations will diminish to a level one can withstand without undue discomfort.
Apparently, this is not always the case. Sirens sing around us in voices that will pierce even a Titan's resolve. "Come to us," they call sweetly. "In our embrace there is joy abounding. You will know bliss beyond mortal ken. And what would Ken know about it, anyway, sticking with that ice-queen Barbie all these years?"
But what are these insidious delights? Where are they to be found, that one might contrive to remain safely beyond their reach? What do they offer, that one might armor oneself against their appeal by a suitable regimen of preparation and resolve?
Therein lies the rub: they're all around us. They smile down upon us from innumerable perches of convenience. They beckon from niches of seeming innocence, where we would not fear to send a minor child. Their appeal is universal, their demeanor impeccable, their grip irresistible. Sometimes they even follow us home. That's when our troubles begin.
No, it wasn't another stray kitten, nor was it another stray young woman. Your Curmudgeon speaks here of the peril to sanity and self-control called customer-assembled furniture.
Customer-assembled furniture has destroyed more domestic evenings than toddler soccer, medical insurance options, and menstruation combined. IKEA, Bush, Sauder, O'Sullivan, Ameriwood, and their less well known competitors are clearly the agents of Satan. One hopes that their finances have received the attention of the Department of Homeland Security. A Middle Eastern connection wouldn't surprise your Curmudgeon one little bit.
Still, it's amazing how powerful the urge to save a few bucks can be. Especially when combined with the desire to have what one wants right on the spot. The fatal piece was a simple writing desk, basically a flat horizontal surface with four legs. There it stood in the showroom: sturdy, attractive, and about $200 less than a factory-built unit of the same sort. And it was available for immediate sale.
How hard could it be? your Curmudgeon said to himself. Or was it a demonic voice whispering to him? He can no longer be sure.
When unpacked, the kit proved to contain over 200 parts. Big parts, little parts, plain parts, mystery parts, parts labeled and unlabeled. Wood, steel, plastic and rubber. Seven different kinds of fasteners. A little bottle of glue. "Simple Assembly!" proclaimed the instructions. Those were their last words.
Four man-hours went into that "simple assembly." Four man-hours, plus all the skin off your Curmudgeon's palms, elbows, and knees. What emerged bears only a passing resemblance to the model in the showroom. Perhaps it will support the weight of an LCD monitor and keyboard, but your Curmudgeon isn't sure he wants to test it.
Your Curmudgeon is normally staunch against the impulse to say "there oughta be a law," but every now and then...
Pray for him.
Comments
These things get easier with practice.
M
(Veteran of dozens of k/d assemblies.)Posted by Mark Alger on 08/11/2005 at 08:47 AMAn Ikea will be opening in Dallas soon (FINALLY!). Your post is timely.
...Some of that stuff looks really nice in the showroom.
Posted by Connie on 08/11/2005 at 09:24 AMI installed machinery in Sauder, Bush,Ameriwood, Palliser (one of the biggies you didn’t mention)and o’Sullivan.
Sauder, actually, is one of the largest manufacturers of RTA (wait for it: Church pews. they have been making them for many years. They operate a predominantly Amish factory in Archbold Ohio.
The issue at hand is, they take the guy who f-s up everything else, and say “da**it, get out of my hair, you mess up everything you touch- Go write the assembly instructions for this, that way you can’t mess anything up” I have seen this with my own eyes.
Posted by og on 08/11/2005 at 12:06 PMJust look on it as a character building excercise.
Actually I find that Ikea does a decent job generally with their furniture in terms of assembly.
As to the others… well lord knows I have a half dozen sauder bookshelves around, but anything more complicated than that and I find they have tolerance mismatches all over the place. Simple assembley so long as you have your power drill and spare screws handy etc…
Posted by Chris Byrne on 08/11/2005 at 12:20 PMTwo words: power tools. And the will to use them despite the plantive pleas of the instruction manual to insert tab K3jj into slot AAz8A gently.
Posted by Rusticus on 08/11/2005 at 01:50 PMI have put together several sets with no problems worth mentioning, but last year, it took me no less than 3 days to assemble a TV console (the tolerance mismatches of which Chris spoke). Eventually, I used a router. Not before the Lord’s name, in vain.
Posted by on 08/11/2005 at 02:19 PMYea verily, I shall fear no evil...for I have assembled a plethora of computer desks, book shelves,and end tables (with attached lamp)! And I have lived to tell the tale. O’Sullivan, Sauder, and Bush are the three princes of darkness...yet I fear them not...for even this unnamed trial of Hercules, with the right amount of adult beverage, hiding places for the faint of heart (so they will not have their little ears fall off due to exposure to levels of *salty language* here-to-for unknown), and enough tacks to properly secure the *faux wood backing* (tm) to the all but finished project, can be conquered. Ahhhh, the near rapture one feels when the last tack is hammered in (without said tack bending!)....at my age it very nearly rivals....well it does!
Good luck fearless assembler! Just ignore the laughing you hear inside your head. Guardian angels were never known for their sense of humor. And even they know better then to *point and laugh*.
Posted by Guy S on 08/11/2005 at 03:06 PMI loved the one where I bought the dang thing… took it home… had only normal amounts of trouble with assembling the frame and backing, then went to put shelves in....
And one of the things was TWO INCHES short!
Posted by Dave on 08/12/2005 at 03:00 PMMy favorite Sauder product of all the ones I own is the one I didn’t have to put together because I rolled it from where it was sitting by the dumpster and into my living room.
Posted by Andrea Harris on 08/13/2005 at 10:20 AM
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