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Saturday, November 04, 2006
Off-Road Punditry: Romance And The Smartness Gap
It's not that long ago that every newspaper in every city or town in this blessed land was trumpeting the struggles of unmarried Americans at finding someone suitable to love. It was the heyday of the singles' ad, the dating service, and the "meat market" mixer. It was a time of obsession, of much frantic social gyration, and of very little love.
(Yes, your Curmudgeon lived through it, too, as a single man. That he found someone -- entirely by happy accident, a story he has yet to tell but which was a bit like John Cusack and Diane Lane in Must Love Dogs -- is among the things for which he's most grateful.)
The hubbub has lessened somewhat, mostly for demographic reasons. The huge mass of desperately lonely singles in their mid-twenties to early forties is now a huge mass of desperately lonely singles in their mid-forties to early sixties. They simply don't have the energy for the social whirl any more. This is easy to understand; a second-story man often starts perusing the employment ads when he reaches forty, no matter how successful he was in the flower of his youth.
There are other factors at work, too, most notably the accumulated sense of futility. (A rather clever magazine cover parody your Curmudgeon saw a few years ago was titled FUTILE: The Magazine Of Mid-Life Dating.) It would seem to be the pattern that romantic connections become harder to form the older and more frustrated we become. Whether that's because we become pickier about our potential partners or ever less inclined to alter our own habits and living patterns to accommodate them is a question for another screed.
For whatever reason, quite a lot of worthy single persons of your Curmudgeon's acquaintance have entered the "why bother?" age bracket, and have effectively given up on the search for a mate. About two-thirds of these persons have been married and divorced. Their condition of solitude has taken on a curious solidity. It seems to encase them in an aura of concrete drab: sad, but accepted as beyond redress. Despair is like that.
Make no mistake: when your Curmudgeon calls these individuals worthy, he means it. They're engineers, physicians, lawyers, teachers, businessmen, mothers, fathers, churchgoers, philanthropists, athletes, gamesmen, artists, musicians, and boon companions. Like all of us, they have their flaws, but nothing that an objective assessor would call disabling, or disqualifying for love and life partnership. They're sound and solid folk.
They don't want to be alone, but they are. They suffer it quietly, without complaining or making a fuss. They've learned to deflect the suggestions of their relatives and friends in that oblique way that changes the subject so deftly that the well-meaning suggestor never thinks to return to it. As they lack little other than love, they often inspire admiration from others who fail to sense their pain. Theirs is a well upholstered despair.
Over the years, your Curmudgeon has become increasingly well attuned to that state. It evokes a desire to meddle that's all but impossible to resist. He has to remind himself rather frequently how well armed his friends are.
Of course, "don't give up" is the single most important bit of advice one could give to a man engaged in a difficult quest. But once he has given up, what remains that anyone could tell him? What remains that he'd be willing to hear?
Perhaps it's not a kindness to chivvy someone out of his resignation to solitude. But the impulse can be very hard to restrain.
One of the more interesting clashes that keeps two otherwise compatible singles from forming a couple is a significant difference between them in intellect or erudition. For the sake of compactness in phrasing, let's call this a smartness gap. It's arisen recently in the lives of several of your Curmudgeon's friends. When it strikes, it's as poignant as any non-lethal tragedy that afflicts the Family of Man.
A smartness gap isn't something one can paper over. Not in America today. Our society is so achievement oriented that the pure role of homemaker-mother is more often than not dismissed contemptuously as unworthy of a serious adult. From the opposite side of the gender fence, a woman of intellectual, commercial, or artistic power would never be happy with someone who couldn't admire her abilities and appreciate her use of them, no matter how frequently she fantasizes aloud about a weekend abed with a Neanderthal with a perpetual erection.
Your Curmudgeon's experiences, and those of his friends and acquaintances, have persuaded him that a significant smartness gap is a near to absolute barrier to long-term compatibility. The gap is significant:
- If his IQ is 30 points or more greater than hers;
- If he has a postgraduate degree but she never went to college;
- If he loves to read but she never cracks a book;
- If he scorns her preferred entertainments and diversions as "stupid;"
- If he can't abide having her friends or family around him, not because they're objectionable in any other way but because their conversations and activities bore him to tears.
(The above list is gender-symmetric; all the conditions mentioned can have the assigned sexes reversed without losing validity.)
Even more painful than losing a potential mate to a smartness gap is the agonized fear of finding oneself on the low end of one. Many very bright persons -- yes, your Curmudgeon knows quite a few such; however did you guess? -- are unable even to get a date because the persons they approach can sense the smartness gap between them, and don't want to come out of an otherwise pleasant evening feeling ignorant or stupid. It's a remarkable inversion of old-style "catch" psychology -- as in, "he'd be quite a catch" -- in that the objective merits of one's romantic candidates have come to be less significant than how we compare to them.
It seems that in singles' America today, one who's willing to challenge a perceptible smartness gap for a chance at love and companionship must be braver than average...possibly much braver. But emotional courage of that magnitude is a hefty compensation for a smartness deficit. It's worth admiration all by itself.
There's no Last Graf coming. Obviously, one can most directly minimize smartness-gap obstacles by doing one's romantic trawling among persons of comparable occupation and education, though that alone is sometimes not enough. If your Curmudgeon has any particular theme in mind, it would be this: the necessary conditions for long-term compatibility most certainly do include comparable levels of intelligence and erudition. Experience, not theory, has established that requirement; there are very few exceptions.
However, one of the most quietly striking love stories in history did defy the smartness gap. The young Benjamin Disraeli, knowing that his political career would be impeded if he didn't arrange a "suitable" marriage for himself, approached Mary Anne Lewis, a wealthy widow from the minor English nobility twelve years his senior. The widow knew Disraeli's motives for courting her. She asked only that he give her a year to get to know him, and at the end of the year agreed to become his wife.
Disraeli's beloved Mary Anne, whom he affectionately called Dingy, became the light of his life and the foundation of his existence. Her life skills -- her ability to live with him and love him as his wife and helpmeet -- were superb. Apparently the immense intellectual distance between them was of far less consequence.
"I married you for your money, you know," he would often tease her.
"I know," she would say, "but you'd do it today for love, wouldn't you?"
And Disraeli, the greatest statesman and orator of his day, always replied, "I would."
Comments
Fran, what you’re saying really resonates with me. Myself: age 50, never married. Several advanced degrees. Serving happily as a cleric in a parish that just can’t be beat, after having spent my 20s and 30s in itinerant “perpetual grad student” Huck Finn mode.
Ceteris paribus, I’d rather be married. But sad to say, I don’t see it happening. Overall I lead a quiet, tranquil day-to-day existence, and as you mention, marriage would be more likely than not to upset that applecart. Or at least so I fear: one of my minor personal horrors is the thought of marrying a woman who watches TV incessantly, when I myself, left to my own devices, will go weeks and even months at a stretch without ever turning the TV on. Add to that, constant empty jabbering, Sunday afternoons sacrificed to visiting with the yammering in-laws, and… well, you get the picture.
The smartness gap, yeah. I live and work in a remote rural region. Any women from this area in my age bracket with brains either got married, or fled to the city, or both, decades ago. Finding a woman who could be an intellectual companion would mean looking far afield, and if it worked out, it would probably mean uprooting myself and moving. To another area (and I speak from the experience of many, many moves when I was younger) which could only be a step down from where I’m living now. In terms of my work, in terms of the local culture, in terms of the beauty of the landscape— there is no other place in the Midwest like the Driftless Area, with its dramatic bluffs and valleys.
So here I am, single, and likely to remain in the singular number. Thanks for an excellent essay.
Posted by Paul Burgess on 11/04/2006 at 10:26 AMThere are december flowers too.
Posted by og on 11/04/2006 at 11:29 AMLovely essay! Anything that can make me smile at 0530 on a cold morning in a strange country must be good.
Posted by Keith on 11/04/2006 at 12:25 PMPaul’s comments made me smile because it’s almost like looking in the mirror-- I’m in my 50s with several graduate degrees in theology, though I’m not in parish ministry (I work as a freelance editor and writer). I’m a bookworm of the worst type-- don’t even own a TV. I’ve given up on guys (yes, I’m a woman) because I live in a blue state with plenty of John Kerry wannabes who think that anyone who’s a) an orthodox Christian and b) politically conservative has got to be missing a few brain cells. So there’s two problems here: 1) the smartness gap, and 2) the liberal Democrats’ perception of the smartness gap.
Posted by on 11/04/2006 at 02:52 PMYou left out a significant factor, Fran. Gravity after a certain span of time works depredations on the human form that are cruel, to say the least. Physical “perfection” as we age is a brass ring that is always just a quarter-inch beyond the reach of anyone fifty years or older. By age 60, that gap will have widened noticeably, and will continue to do so with time, until it is not even within sight any more.
Your reflections re: intellectual differences was spot on, but reading it made me think that my only opportunity would be in academe, and the prospect of THAT made me realize that there are times when we really do have to learn to live alone. We have to learn how to live with the solitude after a full life with a beloved partner. It can be done without too much pain if the survivor is willing to cultivate inner peace and enough other friendships to pick up the social slack.
Posted by Liz on 11/04/2006 at 04:30 PMWhat a great post by way of ending a very grand day. Allow one little story on the “intellectual” gap or let’s say advanced degree gap.
I am loved by a man who is full-blooded Sioux. [And an experienced real-life warrior of the Marine type] No, we are not together as in the same town or circumstance. Life and integrity have a way of intruding, fortunately in some cases. But most importantly, he is my friend.
A few years back, he was talking to me on the phone and said, referencing my advanced degrees (plenty for one lifetime), that I was probably too smart for him. Well, of course, he was smart enough to know that wasn’t true. That’s the kind of thing really smart men say to women with advanced degrees. But I said, Well, now, here’s a question for you? If we had to travel on foot to North Dakota from the East Coast, and we didn’t have a car, just your weapons of choice - no money for plane tickets, which of us would you want entrusted with the task of getting us safely to North Dakota?
Of course, you know his response. He would be in charge. [Thank the Lord] The man is a writer now and an artist. He has carried his guns and so forth for his country. He is a fine man and, for him and for me, I chose integrity. I will never regret the choice. There is little time for what might have been. There is only now and there is love of the Soul.
Posted by Beach Girl on 11/04/2006 at 07:50 PMI’m in my forties. Never married. Never will.
As a man divorce and family courts are stacked against me. The divorce rate in many areas of the country is well over 50%. Many male friends and relatives have been burned badly in court and taken to the cleaners. Marriage is a contract with the state. Why invite more government into my life when I don’t have too?
Many American women have a huge sense of entitlement these days. They see men as a money machine. An ATM. A means for them to live out their fantasies and your expense.
Everything has to revolve around them. They are the star in their own drama. They are shrill and demanding. They act like men. They hector and complain and whine. They assult all of ones senses. They aren’t very interesting to be around except for sex.
Sex is so easy to get these days. Women give it up for free. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Most men are much more intersting to be around. More thoughtful, better read, smarter, easier going. Not constantly battling for domination like today’s women.
At this poing in my life I’m having a great time. Am I loanly? Hardly. I love being single and living alone. Nobody else around to boss me around like they’re my mother. Can do what I want, when I want, how I want.
Feminism has liberated me! That’s the only good thing I’ll say about it. No more working my ass off for some shrew who hates me but loves the freedom my money pays for.
Stay single. Stay free. MGTOW.
Posted by on 11/04/2006 at 08:18 PMArgh, I want to say something, but don’t want to come across the wrong way. I wrote a long response then erased it, and it boils down to this, maybe people shouldn’t take themselves so seriously.
I’m glad you brought this up, I think it is a wonderfully interesting topic. Definitely a thought, and emotion provoking essay.
My parents share an intelligence gap, my dad has a much higher I.Q. than my mother, who’s no dummy by any stretch, but still he is much “smarter” if measured on some sort of scale. Despite that they’ve been married over 40+ years and have learned to benefit from each other’s strengths and talents.
Sure my dad had a very high I.Q. to begin with, but he lacked confidence in himself. My mom put him through college, he was driving a truck at the time. My mom has strength that my dad could never muster. That’s not to say he is some sort of wimp or anything, he’s not, but my mom is the tough old broad type, and she has always been his edge.
They share a mutual respect for each others interests. My dad thinks the romance books she reads are completely useless, my mother thinks his books would be better off donated to the Goodwill, yet neither berates the other for reading them. They still manage to sit through a meal together, enjoy freetime together, and live a pretty happy life, and when I was growing up we shared some pretty darn interesting conversations at dinnertime.
Dad has never beaten anyone over the head with is intelligence. Including my mother who he holds with the absolute highest regard.
I don’t know, that’s just how it is in my family.
Posted by on 11/04/2006 at 10:55 PMSome people disagree.
Posted by Joseph Hertzlinger on 11/04/2006 at 11:34 PManonymous, I feel sorry for you.
My experience of women is exactly opposite. At sixty, I’m blessed with the best friend and partner anyone could hope for and far, far better than I deserve.
I’ve known some very fine women, full of laughter and compassion and integrity, full of life and optimism.
If money is more important than the happiness a good woman can bring to your life, if you’re unwilling to risk losing such a trivial material possession in order to gain something priceless....
yup, my sympathy.Posted by Keith on 11/05/2006 at 12:14 AMI not so jokingly tell my colleagues at the office that the more I’ve learned about women over the course of my life, the happier I am that I ended up with my three dogs. Besides the smartness gap, there is more importantly the political/social world-view gap. I am unable to restrain myself in mocking the slightest trace of leftist liberalism in anyone I encounter and too many women, even here in South Texas, have tin-foil-hat wearing moonbat liberal impulses. Surprisingly I continue to peruse the women looking for men section of CraigsList for the remote chance that an interesting and age appropriate conservative woman may appear.
The other comments in this thread have nailed the root causes of why so many of us have ended up alone, however, Fran, I disagree with you when you say that we are in a state of despair. I’m reasonably content with my situation, have an interesting and challenging job, have a wealth of books to read, and three wonderful canine companions. After a certain age I’ve found that sex isn’t quite so important anymore and that value differences (tv vs reading) and geographical constraints are insurmountable. I think you could more accurately say that we’ve over adjusted to our being single.
Interesting essay and equally engaging comments.
Posted by TxBubba on 11/05/2006 at 06:18 AMI admire those who can bear their singledom with greater dignity. Being single bothers me; it always had. Life is just better with a woman, and I really believe men are programmed to be happier with a woman.
Obviously, to be in a bad relationship would be the worst of both worlds. But I’ve found even an “eh” relationship beats the heck, long term, out of being alone too much.
But I don’t mean to imply there’s a right and wrong answer. There’s a personal answer. I have several single friends, and many seem to be just fine ... and are just fine.
I always find women do better on their own than men ...
Your mileage may vary.
Posted by IB Bill on 11/05/2006 at 08:12 AMI’m really reminded of this quote from Chesterton which Stuart Buck has on his sidebar:
There is no such thing on earth as an uninteresting subject; the only thing that can exist is an uninterested person.
G.K. ChestertonPosted by Chris on 11/05/2006 at 05:26 PMYour post and the related comments touched a nerve with me. I am so much smarter than my wife, and earlier in our marriage I truly thought that made me better than her. But as the years have gone by (25 now) I have come to see that former attitude as nothing more than a fop’s cheap comforts.
The meager benefits of intelligence can’t compare with the life-affirming values of love, and the courage to love. Poets and writers may opine that intelligence is the sexiest thing on the planet, but that’s nothing more than the hubris of intelligent poets.
The sexiest thing on the planet is a woman that loves you.
Posted by on 11/06/2006 at 03:59 PMAfter two failed attempts, I’ve adopted a W.C. Fields philosophy.... “I would never join a club that would have me as a member.”
Posted by on 11/06/2006 at 10:10 PMFascinating, Francis. I’ve never seen it distilled in quite this fashion. Until recently I’ve been searching for one woman with only marriage as the brass ring. Only recently I’ve come to believe that marriage is highly desirable but hardly necessary.
More to the point, that my search for that particular Right One has been endless and fruitless, with a few late-life exceptions whom I passed up hoping still to experience fatherhood. Another story, that.
The smartness gap is sort of the problem but I think I prefer the “curiosity gap.” That may be a quibble but for my purposes I rarely find women with a curosity equal to my own. Henry Miller said an intellectual isn’t someone who knows the periodic table by heart or the earliest poems of Vergil but someone whose every impulse is to penetrate to the very essence of things. OWTTE.
With that in mind, I find it inexplicable that women I meet have not bothered to master English grammar and are unaware of the fact that they haven’t.
True. Intelligence takes many forms and a non-intellectual woman with common sense, humor, and psychological insight can nicely help to while away long winter nights. Alas, these latter aren’t that much easier to locate—combined with intelligence, that is—and it remains hard to understand why anyone, male or female, would be satisfied with such minimal knowledge or curiosity or, as TxBubba noted above, with such laughable political opinions.
I think Australians have the word “naus” (sp?) that indicates something like raw intelligence. Given what I think that term means, I’d for damn sure take a bucket load of that over any number of degrees. The woman in Nevil Shute’s A Town Like Alice comes to mind though she came loaded with a huge amount of elegance to boot.
As the prospect of having a family enters the realm of the ridiculous—a 23+-year age gap now being the minimum requirement—the central reason for marriage fades somewhat. In its place I think there is a realm of cafeteria relationships where one can keep what one has but still enjoy one woman for her dancing skills, another for her sensuality, and yet another for her brains without having to make a choice to find That One Person.
Marriage is still the ideal and I’d jump at the chance with the right person. But the search for same has lengthened into decades and one loses hope.
None of which is to say that I’m perfect or have no issues that complicate my relationships. I’m afraid I’ll have to check with Dr. Sanity for a mid-course correction on that score. The injuction to be the right person rather than find the right person is still valid.
Nonetheless, even if I need a tune up personally, it still grates to hear the language mangled and it signals such terribly lazy thinking in almost every case.
Posted by Col. Bunny on 11/07/2006 at 04:23 AM
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