Screeds
Sunday, September 26, 2004
A Guilty Pleasure
February 26, 2003
For your humble Curmudgeon, the collecting of quotes, epigrams, and aphorisms has always been an essential pleasure. You’ve undoubtedly noticed the large collection of quotes on politics, economics, and freedom that’s available here at the Palace. I assembled it, and I add to it as new entries present themselves and time permits.
But there’s a guilty aspect to quotesmanship. When one quotes, one is invoking the authority of another, rather than asserting the power of one’s own reasoning and knowledge. One is saying, implicitly, that a sentiment has more oomph in the formulation of another than in one’s own halting words. Most writers would rather commit hara-kiri than admit to such a thing.
Of course, your Curmudgeon isn’t most writers. And there’s an even guiltier aspect to quotesmanship, concerning “naughty quotes”: those that express sentiments that make us snicker because we’re supposed to deplore them—but don’t.
Regard the following:
1. Uses Of Force.
Mongol General: We have won again. That is good! But what is best in life?
Mongol Warrior: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist,
wind in your hair!
Mongol General: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear
the lamentations of their women!
Mongol General: That is good.
-- John Milius
No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.—General George S. Patton
Complete, fully-thought-through, professional, well-executed violence never leads to more violence because, you see, afterwards, all the other guys are dead.—Larry Miller
Do unto others as they would do unto you—but be sure to do it first.—Jim McKenna
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.—Author Unknown.
No problem is so intractable that it will refuse to yield before a sufficient application of high explosives.—Author Unknown
2. Modes Of Human Interaction.
Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.—Homer Simpson
The SNAFU Principle: True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are more consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth.—Robert Anton Wilson.
Never appeal to a man’s “better nature.” He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.—Robert A. Heinlein
When you can call a spade a spade, you don’t need a club.—Arthur Herzog
If you see someone coming toward you with the intention of doing you good, run for your life!—Henry David Thoreau
She’s the sort of woman who just lives for others—you can tell the others by their hunted expressions.—C. S. Lewis
Respect you in the morning? I plan to disrespect you tonight and avoid the last-minute rush!—Author Unknown
3. You Can Get Away With Anything...
You can get away with anything if you have the right people on your side.—Darrell Carson
You can get away with anything if you’re cute.—Bob Cook
You can get away with anything if you have confidence—and mints.—Chris Kula
You can get away with anything if you’re rich / famous / beautiful / well-connected enough—too many authors to list.
You can get away with anything if you can change the System to prevent it from recognizing your transgression.—G. Harry Stine
4. Sightings Of The Winged Purple Shaft
First Law of Selective Gravitation: When an object is dropped, it will fall in such a way as to cause the greatest possible damage to itself and/or other objects on which it lands.—Author Unknown. Rachman’s Corollary: The probability that the toast will fall buttered-side-down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.—Larry Rachman
Second Law of Selective Gravitation: The tendency for an object to be dropped is directly proportional to its value.—Author Unknown.
Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.—Mrs. Patrick Campbell
If at first you don’t succeed, failure might just be your thing.—Author Unknown.
Democracy is the theory that the people know what they want, and they deserve to get it good and hard.—H. L. Mencken
5. Commentary On The Arts.
Persons without a sense of humor always write long letters, and I have noticed, too, that all madmen write letters of more than four pages. I will not venture to assert that all persons who write more than four-paged letters are mad. Still, the symptom should be watched.—Sir Herbert Beerbohm-Tree, on George Bernard Shaw
What I write is intended to reach the customer - and affect him, if possible with pity and terror… or at least divert the tedium of his hours. I never hide from him in a private language, nor am I seeking praise from other writers for ‘technique’ or other balderdash. I want praise from the customer, given in cash because I’ve reached him—or I don’t want anything. Support for the arts—merde! A government-supported artist is an incompetent whore!—Robert A. Heinlein
He played the King as though under the momentary apprehension that someone else was about to play the Ace.—Eugene Field, reviewing a performance of King Lear
“This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. Rather, it should be hurled with great force.”—Dorothy Parker
The covers of this book are too far apart.—Ambrose Bierce
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.—Oscar Wilde
Nothing so fills a writer’s heart with joy as getting paid for the words of others.—Lawrence Block.
...and, your Curmudgeon would add, fabricating one’s twice-weekly column from them.
| <<- A Fond Farewell | A Little Peace And Quiet ->> |
